One of the reasons I love taking care of patients is they know how to use real words, speak plainly, and leave the mince for the pies. Each of the following statements were really and truly made by patients I was seeing.
- Recently one of my irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) patients concluded her abdominal pain was not actually due to IBS. She had consulted her friends and came in insisting I check her for “helicopter pylori.” Though I am not 100% sure, I think this is a newly discovered airborne pathogen similar to helicobacter pylori.
- An elderly man with a severe anemia had recently received two units of packed red blood cells in the ER. When he came to see me a week later, he reported the ER doctor wanted me to evaluate whether he needed “another serving of blood.” I resisted the urge to talk about vampires and ordered his repeat blood count.
- A fifty-something patient wanted my opinion about whether she should be concerned about future problems after the dermatologist had removed a “squeamish cell cancer” from her face. I squirmed a bit as I tried to reassure her.
- I always respect a good work ethic. Thus, I was very pleased when one of my 42 year olds said in the exam room, “I can’t afford to catch a cold.”
- Another patient reported to me his ophthalmologist had diagnosed him with “a-thing-a-matism of my eye.”
- I really appreciate it when patients remind me of tests they need ordered. The lady who requested her “bone intensity test” was right on tope of her screening needs.
Often patients refer to their specialists with terms of endearment:
- One of my patients wanted my opinion before he acquiesced to “the urinologist” saying he should increase his terazosin dose.
- Another patient was concerned about why “my gastrologist” asked what kind of diet he was on. While his description was partially accurate, it did make me feel a little sad that the patient’s small intestine and colon may feel neglected.
But it is the older generation who provide the most sparkling insights:
- More than one older patient has warned me that “getting old is not for sissies.”
- When I made the mistake of congratulating one of my 88 year olds on his upcoming birthday, he reprimanded me. “These birthdays are going to kill me if I keep having them.”
- Another 88 year old, a woman, came in not long ago with hip pain. At this age, I don’t usually ask a lot about possible inciting factors for joint pains, since their years of service are usually sufficient explanations. For some reason, I elected to ask this lady if she had done anything to strain her hip. “Well, I was shooting pool for three hours when it happened,” was her reply.
- One of my nice old gents showed up in my office and gave me a stern lecture about missing his 100th birthday, which he had invited me to. It had taken place six months earlier. I apologized profusely, and he graciously accepted my words while also warning me that if I missed his funeral, he would never forgive me.
(September 2007)