It important the physicians and all health care workers understand the words our patients use. Given the rapid evolution of language, this can be a dodgy endeavor. In the interests of updating this field of inquiry, I would like to review how the vernacular has evolved over the last several years. Each of the following statements was made by my patients.
- Recently a patient came in reporting he was tired of the pain in his “psychotic nerve.” This, of course, was the annoying pain that originated in his lower back and went down his leg.
- Another patient scheduled an appointment because she wanted me to fix the “tendinitis in my ear.” The constant hissing sound at night was driving her crazy.
- Not long ago, I was just as concerned as was my patient when he scheduled an appointment because he was “coughing up film — dark green film.” I spent an evening researching this problem, but could find no references dealing with it.
- Just this month, an elderly patient wanted a second opinion from me on some advice she had received from her gynecologist. That physician had advised our mutual patient to have a “vaginal pacifier” inserted to help keep her vagina from dropping. I responded that it might be worth trying such a pacifier. to see if it would quiet down the problem.
- One of my patients, a Gulf War veteran, has seen me fairly often for a variety of vague complaints. Recently the VA confirmed for him what I had long suspected. He told me they had diagnosed him with “post-dramatic stress disorder.”
- I felt badly for one miserable-feeling patient who told me, “My headache is nagging me.”
- Another of my chronic patients one day advised me he was due for his “Vicodin subscription.”
- A number of patients have been very bothered by persistent symptoms from their “acid reflex.”
- I was a bit taken aback when a patient recently reported to me, “That medicine you gave me doesn’t want to work for me.” Some of our drugs do seem to have a mind of their own.
- It made perfect sense to me when one of my obese patients responded to my gentle nudging to work on his weight by saying, “It’s not that I’m too heavy, doc. The problem is I’m too short for my weight.”
- I am frequently amused by patients referring to parts of their body in the third person, like the lady who reported, “My arm, she does not feel so very good.”
- Another patient vowed, “I’ve got no use for that leg.” My internal voice thought up a quick retort” “Hold us a sec there, fella. Have you ever wondered how that leg feels about you?” It’s just as well I did not speak those words aloud.
- Who among you has not had a patients dutifully report, “I’m trying to catch a cold.” Whenever I hear this, I want to respond, “Don’t try too hard.”
- I have to say I felt very sad when a patient whose last child had finally left home to go to college told me she was worried about experiencing “the empty-ness syndrome.”
(July 2006)